“He looks good, she isn’t bad either” … The little straight nose, red smiling lips, wide gleaming eyes, straight hair; expressions of awe, mischief, startled… Like the slipping sands in one’s hand, memories of childhood fade with the passing time. Yet, looking back, trying to catch-up on those sweet-sour memories, the little parts of one’s existence and identity; brings in new meanings each passing day. Those are the flashbacks of a queer person, remembering the pre-schooling moments; where sexuality, queerness, definitions of sexual orientation were still much alien; yet the sexual, physical and psychological needs and desires being ever so oozing. Who could have ever imagined sexuality being so carefree, affirmative and strong at such age? Perhaps Freud; Freud Sigmund if you are still reflecting, with plausible explanations of what he would best describe as the “Id”.
Growing up with the “Id”, the pre-pubescent years, the eyes dangling between the most popular and smart girl in class to the next seater male classmate; then moving to an all-male high-school and taking cognisance of your obviously visible “un-manly” differences to others and your secret same-sex crushes and in one’s idea, “lovers”; showing emotions of appreciation and love despite the abuses, humiliations, mockery for being different; for being queer – even from your heartthrobs and eye candies. They knew you were “Queer, Gay, Fag, Pansy”; without you ever understanding their hate towards your true feelings and desires. Life had its share of sadism for someone who did not quite know who they were except being the madly-in-love-fools.
As life goes, I come to realise my identities, accept myself and accept that Queerness which makes me so special yet so vulnerable at times. Some would call the acceptance as Coming Out. I would call it simply an expression of self-acceptance, self-love, self-affirmation; because my story is no shame; because my past shapes my reality and because bringing forth the strength and courage to be myself enables me to command respect and move forward in life overcoming the hate and spreading the tolerance, acceptance and love.